Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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