Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
