I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
