I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
