"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
