If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
