I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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