fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
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I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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