These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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