i was born a porn star she said
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
