Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
