I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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