I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
