I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
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Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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