I wanna bring you to show and tell
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
