broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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