I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
