My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
