don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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