Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
