I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
