I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
