Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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