dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
