Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
