Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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