Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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