i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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