I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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