I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
