Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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