His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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