She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
