I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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