He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
