i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
