Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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