Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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