just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
