Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
