There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
