he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
