I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
