i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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