They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
