The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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