I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
