thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Come see our sink grown plant.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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