That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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