I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
