just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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