My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
