he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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