I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
