And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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