see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
false alarm, still single
Randomize
