The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
