Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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