Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
