saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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