I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
