i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
