3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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