some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
